1st Bday Celebration

The day after dad passed away we had a Hungry Caterpillar B-day party for Miles.  Originally, it was supposed to be a small family gathering, but with everything going on Bradley opted to buy a couple pony kegs of Etna Beer and the party grew.   I honestly agree that the 1st year mark should be a celebration of the parents.  We helped him survive his first 365 days didn't we?

It was a really nice day - almost HOT.  The true joy of the day was watching so many kids play on the play area that dad built for Carter and Miles.  I really felt his presence there that day.  He would have loved seeing the kids play and would've been playing with them.  Miles was holding onto a bunch of balloons that I had tied to his hand, when suddenly the wind picked up and took them away.  At first I was puzzled at how the balloons got loose, but then I realized that BiYah was saying hello.

I am grieving for the loss of a father, an amazing grandfather, supportive father-in-law, and truly grieving watching my own son grieve.  We all knew this was coming but it still rips your heart out when it really sinks in that he is gone.

Our lives and our family structure are forever changed.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we don't have control, but that being said, this is still a rough road.

Today Bradley and I took the boys up to Medford to buy them clothes to wear to dad's "celebration of life".  They will both have black Wranglers, cowboy hats, and nice cowboy pearl-buttoned shirts.  Bradley insisted on these outfits.  It will be a celebration.  A nice service followed by food/drinks, horseshoes and ping-pong - just as dad would have wanted, all in the gazebo he built.

Sadly, I earned another Mother of the Year Award today.  I took Miles to his 1st year check-up and his pediatrician discovered a "very serious" double ear infection.  The kid has to be pretty much ready for ICU before this guy will prescribe antibiotics - and he didn't even question the prescription.  All I can say is that Miles is pretty tough.  Maybe I didn't deserve that beer (or three or four) at his 1st birthday party anyhow.

4/21/12

Dad passed away peacefully this morning at 12:42 am.  Bradley and I were in route and he was surrounded by mom, Ness, and Andrew.  Even though we knew he was going to pass soon, today has still been one of the worst days of my life.  Everywhere I go I am reminded of his willingness to pass his generosity onto others.

We will be having a memorial service at my parents' property on Saturday, April 28th at 4pm.  Following the memorial will be a time of celebration complete with ping-pong, horseshoes, food, beverage, and fun. Just the way he would have wanted it.

You are my sunshine!

Sitting next to dad now. Breathing is very spaced apart. Lots of sunlight and love here today.

Today

Today dad is in and out of conciousness. He is not really talking, but does open his eyes and seems to know we are here. Mom, Ness, Bradley, and I have been with him.

We are surrounding him with love and continuing to look at pictures of him which is wonderful.

Happy Birthday Miles!

Last night dad had a rough night. Mom described his use of the new remote on his hospital bed "like a kid with a new videogame". She was exhausted today. I arrived early so she could go to her exercise class. Dad can only walk a few steps by himself, he can not at all lift his own legs up or down any sort of incline, really anything that is more than a shuffle. It is teamwork to make it to the toilet and back, but amazing that he can still do it. His thoughts are very incoherent and the first answer to every questions is an adamant "NO!".

His hospital bed is very uncomfortable for him, so I went to Yreka and got a 2.5 inch foam mattress topper and a fitted sheet that is meant for that kind of XL twin bed. It took me almost two hours of persuading him to let me put it on for him. Bradley assisted him in a bathroom trip and a change of clothes, while I worked some magic. It seemed to help a little bit, but the true part of the discomfort lies in his inability to remember which buttons to push to move what body part - all magnified by a 60 second delay in thought processing.

I was able to give mom time to take a nap this afternoon. Very reminiscent of her coming over to watch my kids so that I could get a nap in when the boys were both newborns.

Miles had his cake pops with his buddies today and that was a lot of fun. I think Carter was more excited for his birthday than he was. We had dinner and then Carter helped him open a few gifts. It was a perfect 1st year dose of birthday. Hopefully we'll still be able to have our celebration on Sunday.

Vanessa is flying home tonight because we all know that "it is upon us". Love to all of you who keep us in your thoughts and prayers daily.

Circle of Life

Today dad was a significantly weaker and less mobile person than he was yesterday. He is not able to get up, sit down, walk more than two steps, or really maneuver without help. Dad does not have much circulation in his legs and therefore his legs have no feeling. This is compounded by his weakened state. Mentally, he processes things very slow. It took him nearly 60 seconds to ask me to get him some water. He told me this evening that things that take me 30 seconds to mentally process, take him at least five minutes.

All of this being said, hospice came out today and got him to agree to a hospital bed. They weren't going to deliver the bed until Thursday, but I was able to persuade the gentleman that we were really in dire straits and we needed it today - Thursday might be too late. The bed was delivered this afternoon, and it has a "triangle thingy" (words are escaping me) on top. They also gave us a toilet that can stand alone or go over the main toilet and Bradley also installed a bar. Bradley had to pick dad up each time he wanted to really move. In addition to the Percocet, dad also started taking methadone today.

Through all of this deterioration and muffled speech, he still has moments of clarity. I had baked the man some chocolate chip cookies (part of my convincing) and packaged them up on some paper plates with wrap. When the man was leaving he asked dad if he needed anything and dad responded, "Yeah, I want my two plates back when you're done with them." - Dad didn't realize that I had used paper, but he realized that two plates of cookies were leaving his house. Funny, really.

Tomorrow is Miles' 1st birthday. We are just having a low-key day tomorrow with some cake-pops at Eileen's with his friends. I am doing a "Hungry Caterpillar" themed party on Sunday for family and close friends. In keeping with the theme, I made cake pops that look (are supposed to) like the hungry caterpillar. I will post pics of the parties afterwards. In the midst of dad dying, there is still life and celebration all around. As I spent the day helping my dad cope with limited mobility and make him as comfortable as possible, I was blessed to spend the evening decorating cake pops with Carter, (read cleaning up his continuous spillage of sprinkles) and watching Miles play with his brother and dad. I also enjoyed watching Carter pretend to "mine" with our vacuum cleaner attachment. His dad of course couldn't be any prouder - being the miner that he is. Bradley has a multitude of hobbies he enjoys and excels at, but that is another post.

Tomorrow we celebrate Miles' 1st birthday with happiness, and we reflect on dad's life in the same light. The circle of life continues, I am just sad for my boys that my dad won't be there to make a bit more of the journey with them.

- Attached is our trial run "Hungry Caterpillar" - Bradley grows the flats of wheatgrass, so I put the pops in those.

Easter Bunny Visits and Hospice Initiation

Today Miles took his first official steps! Just eight days shy of his 1st birthday! Sadly, I was not there to witness the event - my kids were at Eileen's while I met with hospice, but she is like their second mother so I am blessed that she saw it. At church on Easter Sunday, he held onto the pew, ventured into the aisle and let go - teetering for a moment, but today was the day!

Easter was bittersweet this year. On Friday, I got the boys together with their friends Wyatt and Finn to decorate eggs. I spent awhile getting all of the supplies put together, gathering the eggs, boiling the eggs, only to watch them stay interested for about five minutes. My good friend and I watched the boys frolick in the yard and the play area while we decorated eggs and enjoyed mimosas in the sun. It was so nice to see young boys enjoying the elaborate play area that my dad spent hours creating for Carter and Miles from scratch. It truly warmed my heart to see them enjoying themselves - he would have rejoiced in seeing it.

On Saturday I took the boys up to Ashland to see the Easter Bunny. The whole car ride up was full of speculative questions from Carter concerning various aspects of the bunny. How big was he? Did he talk? What color was he? How did he get there? All decent questions, really from a three year old. Most of them I had to say "I'm not sure". We went to Paddington Station, one of my favorite stores and took a photo with the bunny. Carter was super stoked, but Miles was less than excited. The store is supposed to email the photos later. Carter also got to decorate some Easter cookies and complete a craft. On Sunday we did an egg hunt at the house and then accompanied my mom to church. Bradley stayed with dad. After church we went to my mother-in-law's for a wonderful Easter meal. The house was decorated straight out of Pottery Barn, and the meal was wonderful. It was sad not having my parents there, they were missed by many.

Today the hospice nurse came out and dad signed the papers! He admitted to being uncomfortable. He is taking Percocet right now, but the nurses are brining morphine tomorrow. My mom will make a "slurry" of it and give it to him in liquid form. It will be easier for him to digest that way. Dad was very open with the nurse and accepting of the fact that she wanted him to make choices to make himself more comfortable. He also gets to have more massages with hospice! It is truly a wonderful program. I think my mom feels a huge sense of relief and I know that dad is able to get more rest.

Thank you for continued support, prayers, and positive energy. We all need it right now.

Good News!

Tonight dad agreed to allow hospice to come give care. This is a HUGE hurdle for all of us because dad is still verbally denying that he is dying. A close friend came to see dad today and told him that morphine could really help make him more comfortable, thus allowing him to sleep, and continue to heal. Dad said that he wouldn't object to that and after another conversation with my mom, he agreed to allow hospice to come. My mom called tonight, and will speak with someone tomorrow at 8am and we'll go from there.

I literally went to hell and back twice today to get him some pain medication and am SOOO happy that he is willing to let hospice in and let the palliative care begin. I hope this will bring a lot of weight off of my mom.

It is a bittersweet bit of news, but we are all so grateful. I hope tomorrow goes well. . .

This week. . .

This week started off with dad getting two teeth extracted at the dentist. I know what you're all thinking: What the fu**?? Believe me, we were thinking that too, but despite all of the lying that mom did to convince dad to not go to the dentist, he repeatedly insisted. It took boatloads of strength and determination for him to ride in the car for 1.5 hours, sit in the dentist chair for 2 hours, and then another 1.5 hours in the car. This is all from a man who has not left his home for four weeks. The dentist is a very good dentist, and dad did have two very infected teeth. The good news is that the dentist gave him a VERY strong painkiller and now dad is taking that around the clock, which is allowing him to sleep a lot more. I really don't know how dad made the trip, we could compare it to an 85 year old woman running a marathon after only walking 100 yards.

The ascites in the stomach is causing him to not be able to eat or drink hardly anything because it just wants to come right up. Even a swallow of water can make it seem as if he is going to vomit. His thought processes and talking are very slow, but still "with it", but oftentimes he does seem to be very "off ". He spends the day either in bed, or in his recliner and is not strong enough to push the chair in with his legs. I would estimate his weight to be around 85 pounds. His energy levels are extremely low, but he can still direct. Today he was concerned that Fred his dog was getting tangled in things on the back porch and told me everything that needed to be moved. I spent most of the day doing outside projects for my parents.

Earlier this week my mom and I questioned whether he would make it to Easter. He could go at any time, but he is a stubborn and a strong old bird. I enjoyed visiting with him today and listening to a couple of stories. When he told the stories he closed his eyes, took his time, and described things with a lot of detail. This is off-topic, but it was brought to my attention this week that oftentimes people who are close to death want to have their body "perfect", which would explain his insistence on having his teeth fixed.

Anywho - here are a couple of stories that dad told to me today:

Dad used to lay carpet as an independent contractor in southern CA. One day he and a guy named Steve were finishing up a job. They were in the bedroom and my dad recalls that they had finished but there was oddly one "bump" left in the room. Steve instructed my dad to just take a rubber mallet to the bump. My dad said that he hit the bump about 10-15 times and it went away. Just as it disappeared the woman who owned the house knocked on the door, entered and asked both men, "Have you seen my parakeet?" Dad says that they looked at each other and both replied, "No ma'am". She left the room and they took to tearing up the carpet, like pigs to a trough. They tore up the carpet and luckily it was just a lump of carpet padding. Dad thinks she found the parakeet under a bed in the house.

Another story that dad told me today was one I had never head. Another job he had after the service was one where he worked at an auto body detailing shop. He described his job as one in which he was the middle man between the shop guys and the office staff. The man who owned the shop was actually one of the leaders of the Hare Krishnas in SoCal at the time and dad later found out that he was actually in the witness relocation program. I know - too good to be true right? Anyways, dad says that the drug use in this shop was just crazy and that everyone knew about it except the little old lady who was the "face" of the place, the secretary at the front. In fact, the owner would to go India once a month and bring back a bunch of "smack" to fund the local temple. One day, one of the shop guys brought in a bunch of pot brownies. Dad says that everyone had one, knowing what they were and that somehow the plate ended up in the front office. The lady at the front wanted one and Dad tried to convince her it wasn't a good idea. Anyways, she had the brownie and then about 15 minute later she was in hysterics telling everyone to dial 911 because she thought she was having a heart attack. No one had the "balls" to tell her what was really happening, and dad happened to be the guy elected to do so. Dad says that she got extremely angry with dad and she actually quit the next day.

It was nice to just sit with him and listen to some stories today. Some I had heard before, some I had never heard of, but it was just nice to visit. Yesterday when I was over he just kept telling me I was "amazing" and a "wonder". The day before when we made our trip to the dentist, something I felt in my gut wasn't right, but knew it was what HE WANTED he must have thanked me 20 times for taking him. Life is just so strange and often intangible. I have been blessed to know him for 27 years, but often know that I don't know that much of him. Your parents were someone before you became the center of their lives. They have history and experiences that have shaped them and ultimately you. I have posted these photos as reminders of this revelation. This was a photo of dad, his sister, mom and step dad. The other photo is of he and his sisters.

Love you daddy!