Good News!

Tonight dad agreed to allow hospice to come give care. This is a HUGE hurdle for all of us because dad is still verbally denying that he is dying. A close friend came to see dad today and told him that morphine could really help make him more comfortable, thus allowing him to sleep, and continue to heal. Dad said that he wouldn't object to that and after another conversation with my mom, he agreed to allow hospice to come. My mom called tonight, and will speak with someone tomorrow at 8am and we'll go from there.

I literally went to hell and back twice today to get him some pain medication and am SOOO happy that he is willing to let hospice in and let the palliative care begin. I hope this will bring a lot of weight off of my mom.

It is a bittersweet bit of news, but we are all so grateful. I hope tomorrow goes well. . .

This week. . .

This week started off with dad getting two teeth extracted at the dentist. I know what you're all thinking: What the fu**?? Believe me, we were thinking that too, but despite all of the lying that mom did to convince dad to not go to the dentist, he repeatedly insisted. It took boatloads of strength and determination for him to ride in the car for 1.5 hours, sit in the dentist chair for 2 hours, and then another 1.5 hours in the car. This is all from a man who has not left his home for four weeks. The dentist is a very good dentist, and dad did have two very infected teeth. The good news is that the dentist gave him a VERY strong painkiller and now dad is taking that around the clock, which is allowing him to sleep a lot more. I really don't know how dad made the trip, we could compare it to an 85 year old woman running a marathon after only walking 100 yards.

The ascites in the stomach is causing him to not be able to eat or drink hardly anything because it just wants to come right up. Even a swallow of water can make it seem as if he is going to vomit. His thought processes and talking are very slow, but still "with it", but oftentimes he does seem to be very "off ". He spends the day either in bed, or in his recliner and is not strong enough to push the chair in with his legs. I would estimate his weight to be around 85 pounds. His energy levels are extremely low, but he can still direct. Today he was concerned that Fred his dog was getting tangled in things on the back porch and told me everything that needed to be moved. I spent most of the day doing outside projects for my parents.

Earlier this week my mom and I questioned whether he would make it to Easter. He could go at any time, but he is a stubborn and a strong old bird. I enjoyed visiting with him today and listening to a couple of stories. When he told the stories he closed his eyes, took his time, and described things with a lot of detail. This is off-topic, but it was brought to my attention this week that oftentimes people who are close to death want to have their body "perfect", which would explain his insistence on having his teeth fixed.

Anywho - here are a couple of stories that dad told to me today:

Dad used to lay carpet as an independent contractor in southern CA. One day he and a guy named Steve were finishing up a job. They were in the bedroom and my dad recalls that they had finished but there was oddly one "bump" left in the room. Steve instructed my dad to just take a rubber mallet to the bump. My dad said that he hit the bump about 10-15 times and it went away. Just as it disappeared the woman who owned the house knocked on the door, entered and asked both men, "Have you seen my parakeet?" Dad says that they looked at each other and both replied, "No ma'am". She left the room and they took to tearing up the carpet, like pigs to a trough. They tore up the carpet and luckily it was just a lump of carpet padding. Dad thinks she found the parakeet under a bed in the house.

Another story that dad told me today was one I had never head. Another job he had after the service was one where he worked at an auto body detailing shop. He described his job as one in which he was the middle man between the shop guys and the office staff. The man who owned the shop was actually one of the leaders of the Hare Krishnas in SoCal at the time and dad later found out that he was actually in the witness relocation program. I know - too good to be true right? Anyways, dad says that the drug use in this shop was just crazy and that everyone knew about it except the little old lady who was the "face" of the place, the secretary at the front. In fact, the owner would to go India once a month and bring back a bunch of "smack" to fund the local temple. One day, one of the shop guys brought in a bunch of pot brownies. Dad says that everyone had one, knowing what they were and that somehow the plate ended up in the front office. The lady at the front wanted one and Dad tried to convince her it wasn't a good idea. Anyways, she had the brownie and then about 15 minute later she was in hysterics telling everyone to dial 911 because she thought she was having a heart attack. No one had the "balls" to tell her what was really happening, and dad happened to be the guy elected to do so. Dad says that she got extremely angry with dad and she actually quit the next day.

It was nice to just sit with him and listen to some stories today. Some I had heard before, some I had never heard of, but it was just nice to visit. Yesterday when I was over he just kept telling me I was "amazing" and a "wonder". The day before when we made our trip to the dentist, something I felt in my gut wasn't right, but knew it was what HE WANTED he must have thanked me 20 times for taking him. Life is just so strange and often intangible. I have been blessed to know him for 27 years, but often know that I don't know that much of him. Your parents were someone before you became the center of their lives. They have history and experiences that have shaped them and ultimately you. I have posted these photos as reminders of this revelation. This was a photo of dad, his sister, mom and step dad. The other photo is of he and his sisters.

Love you daddy!

Seize It!

It has been a hell of a week. I have been at work the past two weeks because my long-term sub could not longer fill in. I was so grateful to be back at work because a local high school boy took his own life last week. Being able to be in the classroom to help grieving relatives and students so shaken by this small-town tragedy was amazing. I am back off of work to help my parents starting tomorrow. My dad doesn't really want me around, but I know that I need to be there for my mom. She really is amazing! Between being his care-giver, friend, wife, and a wonderful grandmother - she is holding up really well, all in between the reality that she is losing her best friend. She is remarkably strong, and I admire all she is doing and embracing.

Even though my dad is skin and bones (besides his extremely large stomach region), has difficulty getting in and out of a chair, and in much discomfort, he still likes to let me know everyday that he is "getting better". We all know that this is not true, but we play the charade, because that is what he is doing.

While looking through my computer for pictures of the young man who died, I kept finding myself looking at pictures of dad and thinking he looked "pudgy". This most certainly was never the case, but it just goes to prove how we accept and get used to our current situation. I really am surprised he is still alive. His mind works well, but his body just is not functioning well at all. He only really "eats" liquids, because almost everything he ingests has an immediate impact on his digestive system.

One of his comforts is his hot tub. I think it is soothing because he feels weightless. It has broken a few times, but my amazing husband drove to Oregon last week and worked on it relentlessly until 11pm to get it up and running again. Bradley has also put in a secure gate on the lower property with a keypad, and continues to stock their firewood pile. I made a wonderful choice when I married that man.

Perhaps the saddest part of the week was standing behind a family during the service, and watching a grown woman break away from her boyfriend and grab her father for condolence. Hugging my dad now is nothing like what it used to be. His words may have reassurance, but his physical body does not.

Carter and Miles are doing great and continue to visit dad for short bursts every other day. He can't really take anymore than that. I pray that he goes peacefully, and that my mother can enjoy the time she has left.

If anything "good" can come from this week, it is that we are reminded that life is short, we all make mistakes, but there is salvation. Whether through Christ, forgiveness, or other religious beliefs, the chance to make wrongs right is yours for the taking - don't waste the moment, seize it.

Update

Yesterday dad slept all day and only really ate at dinner. He did not make his usual trip into town, and instead of watching TV and sleeping, he just slept in his bed.

Last night his two uncles came to town. He is usually overjoyed to see these two men, but seems less than interested. Today my boys and I joined my parents, sister, and two great-uncles for breakfast. Dad ate, but did not join the conversation. He was also confused a few times, this is something my mom notices a lot now.

After breakfast, the whole crew stopped back by our house and my dad stayed in the truck. He is very slow, and the ascites continues to be his biggest problem. He prefers to keep my mom by his side and likes it best when the two of them are alone. That being said, he is very easily angered, and lets out all of his frustrations (which are unwarranted) on her.

Last night Miles was covered in his dinner and I decided to bathe him in our sink. Feeling left out, Carter joined the party too. I know some day I will look back on this picture and not believe that they both fit in the sink so I had to document it.

A true blessing this week was all of the food that others prepared for us so that we wouldn't have to worry about meals with all of the family that has come and gone.

Love to you all, we are all strong together and have had our arguments, but we are just trying to enjoy as much time as we can with dad now because we all know that there is not much left.

Carter's 3rd Bday Extravaganza!

March 1st marked the third year anniversary of Carter's birth. Our original plan was to have NO party and instead take a trip to the bay area and catch Toy Story 3 On Ice in Oakland. Because of the situation with my dad, we decided to forgo our trip and instead stay home. That meant that a week before his birthday I suddenly had to plan something for Carter. I decided to do cupcakes at Eileen's with his friends, and his Mema planned to have pizza and cake at her house for family. I put in a quick order to Party City, contact the local bakery, and things were set. My dad's condition then seemed stable enough for us to head down south so we decided at the last minute to make a trip as well. In the end, I think we could have paid for Carter's first semester in college after this extravaganza, but the memories were priceless!

His birthday started with our annual trip to Bob's Ranch House for breakfast. My dad and mom made the trip too. My dad was pretty distant during breakfast but did hold Miles for a little bit. After breakfast Carter went to Eileen's, and we had cupcakes with all of his friends there. Bradley came for the celebration and Carter was so cute introducing his daddy to all of his friends. He was a proud little boy. After cupcakes we did a "string" pinata with the kids and then I took my own two home for a nap.

After nap, we proceeded to Mema's house for party number two. His 10 year old cousin came home from school early to help decorate the house and put up a banner. Carter showed up to the party in his new super-hero costume and quickly engaged in play with his Isbell and Lang cousins. My parents didn't know if they would make it to the party that night, but my dad rallied strength and came. He sat most of the time, but seemed to enjoy watching the kids play. Carter got a new kitchen from all of his relatives and he enjoys making things very much.

Our trip to the bay area was really great. We got a great deal at the Hilton, which was also conveniently one block from Chinatown. The first morning we all had Swedish pancakes at Sears, and Bradley and I had great Bloody Marys. After Sears we walked to the trolley station and took the cable car back up to the hotel. Both boys LOVED riding on the cable car. After the short excursion we were all pooped and took a short nap before driving to Oakland. Our first sign that this was going to be expensive was the $25 price we paid to park our car at the Oracle Arena. The show was pretty incredible, truly Broadway on Ice, we also had tickets only two rows up. Miles was using his sign language to sign "all done" from the beginning of the 2nd act on, but we managed to make it out of there without too many dirty looks from our neighbors. Carter loved the show but couldn't wait to get back to the "tower" we stayed in.

We took a cab down to Pier 39 to eat some dinner. Carter has a pretty serious shellfish allergy so we were skeptical about eating, but decided on a big building that claimed to have been in business since 1916. Sadly, I don't think the establishment will make it's 100th anniversary. We sat for 30 minutes with both kids before someone even came and talked to us. Carter had to go to the bathroom and while inside of the commode we stumbled upon a woman who was either dead or just drugged, half naked on the toilet. I quickly hurried Carter out and we promptly left. We "yelped" our next location, found it had four stars, and we all ate for less than the price of one entree at the other halfway house, I mean restaurant.

After dinner we walked down the pier and I was just amazed at how open Carter was to all people. It didn't matter if they were homeless, black, white, brown, he replied to all of their comments on his balloon hat or dance moves, (he tried to join some Michael Jackson impersonators) with sincere appreciation and an unbiased view. Both boys truly absorbed the sights, smells, and other senses of the city. The next morning we enjoyed some time at Golden Gate Park with a good friend before leaving over the Golden Gate Bridge. (That is a whole other blogpost alone).

It was great to get away as a family, even if I think we could possibly qualify for financial assistance after spending a weekend in the city. It was really expensive, but memories do seem to be priceless.

To update on my dad. . . He continues to swell more and more, but he insists or blames the "bloating" as he calls it on whatever he has eaten. He is in full denial that he is terminal, and continues to fight. His swelling is very significant and is causing him to be quite uncomfortable at night. In general, he is very "slow". Slow moving, slow talking, slow thinking. He is also quite difficult to be around at times because he is very easily agitated. His sister and her family are coming to town this week and we will see how things go.

Time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too.

Withdrawn

Tonight we were so blessed to share a wonderful meal as a family. Bradley's friend's mother made us an amazing dinner, complete with a beautiful salad to meet my parents' dietary requests. Honestly, the best part of the dinner was just having all of us together for a meal. Dad did not really talk to any of us, but he enjoyed his food and seemed to be taking it all in.

Yesterday his condition was very poor, but today he has a lot more energy. His abdomen and feet continue to be very swollen which is a sign that his heart is not working properly, and that his liver is also shutting down. A woman who is a grief counselor and a hospice nurse came to our home today. She said that he is most certainly terminal, but that he is not "imminent", meaning days. I believe that we are talking about a week or two maybe.

He spent most of the day watching comedies, but did want to get a short walk in. He is a fighter and I believe will die fighting this disease. He is the strongest man I know and I love him so much. My hope now is that when he does pass, that it will be peacefully and in his sleep. The hospice nurse spoke of some of the things that the body goes through and I really hope that he doesn't have to experience that.

Love to all of you who read this. Cards and phone calls to my mom mean a lot.

Moment to Moment

Where to begin???

Life has been a bit crazy since my parents came back from the Ann Wigmore Institute in Puerto Rico. I honestly feel that life changes moment to moment. Instead of rehashing the last two weeks, I will focus on the present moment. I have not updated this blog because I don't feel that my dad would appreciate what is being said on here because he does not agree. However, in his present state of mind, there is not much to agree on.

Today he got the results of the bloodwork that was drawn up last Thursday. Some of the bloodwork was the same, but some levels of things were significantly higher. I did learn today that the cancer in his liver had mestastisized from elsewhere in the body. My gut feeling is that it started in his colon. At this point, the enzyme levels and bilirubin levels in his blood, all point to liver failure. He is still very yellow and his current state of mind is "racing" and "agitated". We all believe that the cancer has spread to his brain and also his bones. He has an incredibly hard time with any physical contact, will wake easily from a simple sheet being bunched up, and was very hostile towards everyone today. The first week he was back he was not making rational thoughts and was manic. The manic episode seems to have stopped but now he is just very difficult to be around. We keep reminding ourselves that we are dealing with the cancer and not with dad.

Right now he wants to have the mercury fillings in his mouth removed and go back on the Ann Wigmore diet 100%. He is sure that with the fillings gone he will improve 100%, but he was also sure that the doctors would be so astounded at his improvement in his bloodwork today that they would just "fall over".

Day, by day, moment by moment, is how we are all living. I love my dad so, so, much and the best news that I have is that he isn't in constant pain right now, which is great. Every day is different and sometimes the old dad is there, but it is less and less right now.

The boys are doing really great. Miles is crawling up onto furniture and loves to say "thank you". He also says "uh, oh", "daddy", and "doggie". He will sign to me when he is "all done" as well. Carter is very excited for his birthday coming up. We have tickets to see Toy Story 3 On Ice, but will see how dad is doing. In preparation for this 3rd birthday I have followed Bradley's cousin Stephanie's advice and done an interview, in the midst of sadness comes laughter:

Favorite Food: Pasghetti

Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk (My dad introduced him to this terrible beverage :))

Best Friend: Wyatt and Finn

Favorite Thing to Do: Play Cowboys

Favorite Place: Tokyo ( I am assuming this is coming from Cars 2)

What do you want to be when you grow up? Cowboy