Seize It!

It has been a hell of a week. I have been at work the past two weeks because my long-term sub could not longer fill in. I was so grateful to be back at work because a local high school boy took his own life last week. Being able to be in the classroom to help grieving relatives and students so shaken by this small-town tragedy was amazing. I am back off of work to help my parents starting tomorrow. My dad doesn't really want me around, but I know that I need to be there for my mom. She really is amazing! Between being his care-giver, friend, wife, and a wonderful grandmother - she is holding up really well, all in between the reality that she is losing her best friend. She is remarkably strong, and I admire all she is doing and embracing.

Even though my dad is skin and bones (besides his extremely large stomach region), has difficulty getting in and out of a chair, and in much discomfort, he still likes to let me know everyday that he is "getting better". We all know that this is not true, but we play the charade, because that is what he is doing.

While looking through my computer for pictures of the young man who died, I kept finding myself looking at pictures of dad and thinking he looked "pudgy". This most certainly was never the case, but it just goes to prove how we accept and get used to our current situation. I really am surprised he is still alive. His mind works well, but his body just is not functioning well at all. He only really "eats" liquids, because almost everything he ingests has an immediate impact on his digestive system.

One of his comforts is his hot tub. I think it is soothing because he feels weightless. It has broken a few times, but my amazing husband drove to Oregon last week and worked on it relentlessly until 11pm to get it up and running again. Bradley has also put in a secure gate on the lower property with a keypad, and continues to stock their firewood pile. I made a wonderful choice when I married that man.

Perhaps the saddest part of the week was standing behind a family during the service, and watching a grown woman break away from her boyfriend and grab her father for condolence. Hugging my dad now is nothing like what it used to be. His words may have reassurance, but his physical body does not.

Carter and Miles are doing great and continue to visit dad for short bursts every other day. He can't really take anymore than that. I pray that he goes peacefully, and that my mother can enjoy the time she has left.

If anything "good" can come from this week, it is that we are reminded that life is short, we all make mistakes, but there is salvation. Whether through Christ, forgiveness, or other religious beliefs, the chance to make wrongs right is yours for the taking - don't waste the moment, seize it.

Update

Yesterday dad slept all day and only really ate at dinner. He did not make his usual trip into town, and instead of watching TV and sleeping, he just slept in his bed.

Last night his two uncles came to town. He is usually overjoyed to see these two men, but seems less than interested. Today my boys and I joined my parents, sister, and two great-uncles for breakfast. Dad ate, but did not join the conversation. He was also confused a few times, this is something my mom notices a lot now.

After breakfast, the whole crew stopped back by our house and my dad stayed in the truck. He is very slow, and the ascites continues to be his biggest problem. He prefers to keep my mom by his side and likes it best when the two of them are alone. That being said, he is very easily angered, and lets out all of his frustrations (which are unwarranted) on her.

Last night Miles was covered in his dinner and I decided to bathe him in our sink. Feeling left out, Carter joined the party too. I know some day I will look back on this picture and not believe that they both fit in the sink so I had to document it.

A true blessing this week was all of the food that others prepared for us so that we wouldn't have to worry about meals with all of the family that has come and gone.

Love to you all, we are all strong together and have had our arguments, but we are just trying to enjoy as much time as we can with dad now because we all know that there is not much left.

Carter's 3rd Bday Extravaganza!

March 1st marked the third year anniversary of Carter's birth. Our original plan was to have NO party and instead take a trip to the bay area and catch Toy Story 3 On Ice in Oakland. Because of the situation with my dad, we decided to forgo our trip and instead stay home. That meant that a week before his birthday I suddenly had to plan something for Carter. I decided to do cupcakes at Eileen's with his friends, and his Mema planned to have pizza and cake at her house for family. I put in a quick order to Party City, contact the local bakery, and things were set. My dad's condition then seemed stable enough for us to head down south so we decided at the last minute to make a trip as well. In the end, I think we could have paid for Carter's first semester in college after this extravaganza, but the memories were priceless!

His birthday started with our annual trip to Bob's Ranch House for breakfast. My dad and mom made the trip too. My dad was pretty distant during breakfast but did hold Miles for a little bit. After breakfast Carter went to Eileen's, and we had cupcakes with all of his friends there. Bradley came for the celebration and Carter was so cute introducing his daddy to all of his friends. He was a proud little boy. After cupcakes we did a "string" pinata with the kids and then I took my own two home for a nap.

After nap, we proceeded to Mema's house for party number two. His 10 year old cousin came home from school early to help decorate the house and put up a banner. Carter showed up to the party in his new super-hero costume and quickly engaged in play with his Isbell and Lang cousins. My parents didn't know if they would make it to the party that night, but my dad rallied strength and came. He sat most of the time, but seemed to enjoy watching the kids play. Carter got a new kitchen from all of his relatives and he enjoys making things very much.

Our trip to the bay area was really great. We got a great deal at the Hilton, which was also conveniently one block from Chinatown. The first morning we all had Swedish pancakes at Sears, and Bradley and I had great Bloody Marys. After Sears we walked to the trolley station and took the cable car back up to the hotel. Both boys LOVED riding on the cable car. After the short excursion we were all pooped and took a short nap before driving to Oakland. Our first sign that this was going to be expensive was the $25 price we paid to park our car at the Oracle Arena. The show was pretty incredible, truly Broadway on Ice, we also had tickets only two rows up. Miles was using his sign language to sign "all done" from the beginning of the 2nd act on, but we managed to make it out of there without too many dirty looks from our neighbors. Carter loved the show but couldn't wait to get back to the "tower" we stayed in.

We took a cab down to Pier 39 to eat some dinner. Carter has a pretty serious shellfish allergy so we were skeptical about eating, but decided on a big building that claimed to have been in business since 1916. Sadly, I don't think the establishment will make it's 100th anniversary. We sat for 30 minutes with both kids before someone even came and talked to us. Carter had to go to the bathroom and while inside of the commode we stumbled upon a woman who was either dead or just drugged, half naked on the toilet. I quickly hurried Carter out and we promptly left. We "yelped" our next location, found it had four stars, and we all ate for less than the price of one entree at the other halfway house, I mean restaurant.

After dinner we walked down the pier and I was just amazed at how open Carter was to all people. It didn't matter if they were homeless, black, white, brown, he replied to all of their comments on his balloon hat or dance moves, (he tried to join some Michael Jackson impersonators) with sincere appreciation and an unbiased view. Both boys truly absorbed the sights, smells, and other senses of the city. The next morning we enjoyed some time at Golden Gate Park with a good friend before leaving over the Golden Gate Bridge. (That is a whole other blogpost alone).

It was great to get away as a family, even if I think we could possibly qualify for financial assistance after spending a weekend in the city. It was really expensive, but memories do seem to be priceless.

To update on my dad. . . He continues to swell more and more, but he insists or blames the "bloating" as he calls it on whatever he has eaten. He is in full denial that he is terminal, and continues to fight. His swelling is very significant and is causing him to be quite uncomfortable at night. In general, he is very "slow". Slow moving, slow talking, slow thinking. He is also quite difficult to be around at times because he is very easily agitated. His sister and her family are coming to town this week and we will see how things go.

Time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too.

Withdrawn

Tonight we were so blessed to share a wonderful meal as a family. Bradley's friend's mother made us an amazing dinner, complete with a beautiful salad to meet my parents' dietary requests. Honestly, the best part of the dinner was just having all of us together for a meal. Dad did not really talk to any of us, but he enjoyed his food and seemed to be taking it all in.

Yesterday his condition was very poor, but today he has a lot more energy. His abdomen and feet continue to be very swollen which is a sign that his heart is not working properly, and that his liver is also shutting down. A woman who is a grief counselor and a hospice nurse came to our home today. She said that he is most certainly terminal, but that he is not "imminent", meaning days. I believe that we are talking about a week or two maybe.

He spent most of the day watching comedies, but did want to get a short walk in. He is a fighter and I believe will die fighting this disease. He is the strongest man I know and I love him so much. My hope now is that when he does pass, that it will be peacefully and in his sleep. The hospice nurse spoke of some of the things that the body goes through and I really hope that he doesn't have to experience that.

Love to all of you who read this. Cards and phone calls to my mom mean a lot.

Moment to Moment

Where to begin???

Life has been a bit crazy since my parents came back from the Ann Wigmore Institute in Puerto Rico. I honestly feel that life changes moment to moment. Instead of rehashing the last two weeks, I will focus on the present moment. I have not updated this blog because I don't feel that my dad would appreciate what is being said on here because he does not agree. However, in his present state of mind, there is not much to agree on.

Today he got the results of the bloodwork that was drawn up last Thursday. Some of the bloodwork was the same, but some levels of things were significantly higher. I did learn today that the cancer in his liver had mestastisized from elsewhere in the body. My gut feeling is that it started in his colon. At this point, the enzyme levels and bilirubin levels in his blood, all point to liver failure. He is still very yellow and his current state of mind is "racing" and "agitated". We all believe that the cancer has spread to his brain and also his bones. He has an incredibly hard time with any physical contact, will wake easily from a simple sheet being bunched up, and was very hostile towards everyone today. The first week he was back he was not making rational thoughts and was manic. The manic episode seems to have stopped but now he is just very difficult to be around. We keep reminding ourselves that we are dealing with the cancer and not with dad.

Right now he wants to have the mercury fillings in his mouth removed and go back on the Ann Wigmore diet 100%. He is sure that with the fillings gone he will improve 100%, but he was also sure that the doctors would be so astounded at his improvement in his bloodwork today that they would just "fall over".

Day, by day, moment by moment, is how we are all living. I love my dad so, so, much and the best news that I have is that he isn't in constant pain right now, which is great. Every day is different and sometimes the old dad is there, but it is less and less right now.

The boys are doing really great. Miles is crawling up onto furniture and loves to say "thank you". He also says "uh, oh", "daddy", and "doggie". He will sign to me when he is "all done" as well. Carter is very excited for his birthday coming up. We have tickets to see Toy Story 3 On Ice, but will see how dad is doing. In preparation for this 3rd birthday I have followed Bradley's cousin Stephanie's advice and done an interview, in the midst of sadness comes laughter:

Favorite Food: Pasghetti

Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk (My dad introduced him to this terrible beverage :))

Best Friend: Wyatt and Finn

Favorite Thing to Do: Play Cowboys

Favorite Place: Tokyo ( I am assuming this is coming from Cars 2)

What do you want to be when you grow up? Cowboy

Update on Dad

It's been a little crazy around here and I haven't had a chance to update anyone who might read this on my dad's status. I have been home with two sicks kiddos for the last two days. Fever, cough, runny nose, and now Miles has a nice ear infection. Preluded of course by a night with NO sleep for Miles or myself. Fingers crossed, I will make it back to work tomorrow.

I had the chance to video-chat with my parents yesterday evening. They both are in great spirits and my dad says that he feels better than he has in a very long time. He has decided to stay at the center longer and allow my mom to travel to St. Maarten to visit her friend Arna on her own. He feels that he wants to stay more at the center to gain everything he can and he is concerned that it will be difficult to carry on the diet in St. Maarten. (He already has plans for where to get his diet needs as soon as they get back here, use that outlet, and then Bradley will start growing what they need in our greenhouse).

I am pleased with their attitude and with his spirits. Please keep the prayers and healing energy coming!

Birthdays, heaven, a king, and some detox. . .

In a week where we have celebrated many birthdays, including that of baby Paul who we visited as a family, came this conversation tonight:

Bradley comes downstairs from bedtime and says, "I may have confused our son".

The conversation started as Carter asking what he was doing tomorrow. Bradley replied that "It's a holiday and you get to stay home and go to Medford with mom".

"Oh, a holiday?"

Bradley replied, "Not like Christmas holiday, but a different kind of holiday". He continued to explain that it was a holiday to remember a very special person. Bradley stated, "It's Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday tomorrow".

"Ooooh, a King?"

"Well, kind of."

"How do I get to the birthday?"

"Well, he is in heaven and so we just remember his birthday and momma doesn't have to go to work."

"How do I get to heaven?"

"Angels come down and carry you to heaven"

"Angel (cousin Shelby's new dog) is going to take me there?"

"Not, Angel, different angels."

"Oh???"

Bradley ended the conversation by promising him a trip to Target and some popcorn and that seemed to satisfy his interest in the King's birthday.

In other news my dad has made it to Puerto Rico with my mom. I talked with him today and he stated that he is tired, and going through a pretty strong diet detox, but his attitude was great.

The trip there was very tiring on both of them, but they remain in good spirits.