Deck the Halls - 2012

Amped to get going on the 2012 Holiday season, I really got the Isbell family going early.  In fact, we're still a week out from Christmas and have seen Santa at least three or four times, and the tree may or may not make it another seven days.

This weekend as Carter was putting the finishing touches on the nativity scene, Bradley entered the room and asked him what he was doing.  Carter said that he was, "setting up the manger, because you know dad, it's not just about presents.  .  .  It's also about baby June".  Alas, my heart leapt at the thought that I had indeed truly inspired the Christmas spirit in my son, only to be disappointed that Jesus was in fact June.  (For awhile we thought he said Baby Jew, which would have technically correct).

I have also recorded every possible Christmas movie possible on Disney Junior and Sprout, and Carter got to stay up late last week and watch my personal favorite, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.  About three minutes in, I thought we had lost him, and am in fact a little embarrassed to admit that we let our three year old watch the movie.  However, tonight Carter informed me that I was the best mom in the world, (because we made our second batch of Christmas cookies today), but if he did need to choose a new mom it would be " the lady from the Christmas Vacation movie, from when the dad was dreaming about his pool".  Ah - ha !  He did take in the movie!



To recap this month, here's a list of accomplishments:

1 - Breakfast with Santa and crafts in Yreka (Will never repeat without help from another adult)
2 - Christmas cookie decorating with a group of Carter and his buddies
3 - Letters to Santa (I took pictures of the letter before we mailed it to prove to Carter that in fact, he did not add another four things to his list).
4 - Telegram from Santa
5 - Christmas tree-hunting, decorating
6 - Christmas tree decorating - carol singing at my mom's
7 - Christmas tree decorating, with Bradley's mom
8 - Christmas crafts, thumbprint Christmas lights
9 - Callahan Santa (he has a ponytail)
10 - Holiday Hustle 5K run, with Santa and hot cocoa (mom won with a 19:28 5K time)
11 - Three nights of Christmas light viewing (multi-state)
12 - A multitude of Christmas books read over and over and over again

I don't know who will expire before Christmas first, this mama or the tree!

Hallo-Giving FFWD to Christmas- Recap. . .

Wow!  I can't believe that I did not post once in October or November.  Let's recap:
October:  Pumpkin Patch(nearly sold out), bronchitis, flu, Halloween.

November:  NYC Marathon Trip of a Lifetime = In reality, 50 hours to get from Fort Jones to JFK and come home.  Turkey Trot (350+ people!), Thankful hearts on Thanksgiving.

October was very full every weekend with visitors to the pumpkin patch.  The season ended on the last Saturday, with me excusing myself from a customer to vomit all over the bathroom.  I started to feel better around two in the morning, when Bradley started upchucking.  THANK GOODNESS, we had made the decision to close for Sunday, prior to both of us being barely able to pick our heads up off of the cool bathroom floor.  Thank goodness also for wonderful grandparents!

This Halloween Carter was Captain Hook, Miles was Peter Pan, and I was Tinkerbell.  (Yes, 4th grade teachers get to dress up, and yes it took TWO adult tinkerbell costumes plus about eight yards of material to compose a tinkerbell costume presentable enough for an elementary Halloween parade.)  Carter was not only dressed to the nines, but also in full character as well.  Trick-or-Treating was a lot of fun, and we are still enjoying the last few pieces of candy.

November started off with recovering from the flu and bronchitis, only to have Hurricane Sandy hit, six days prior to the NYC Marathon.  Runners were  ENCOURAGED by Mayor Bloomberg and the race director to come, so I trudged on with my mom.  However, it was about an hour into the first plane ride (first class- thank you Mileage Plus), that I could tell I should not tell ANYONE I was running the marathon as it was a very controversial subject.  Upon landing at JFK, the devastation was immediately evident.  The airport was not running under normal conditions and instead of taking the AirTran I had to ride a bus to the other terminal, before I met up with mom.  As we waited for a taxi, I witnessed as many people being put into taxis as possible, not necessarily the number of seatbelts, due to the gas being rationed.  I literally had my hand on the taxi door, with the address on the tip of my tongue, when my phone buzzed.  It was Bradley calling to say his Grandma Ann ( who watches the news 24/7) saw that it was cancelled.  I decided to just come home.  A lot of people were surprised I went, and other surprised I just didn't make a weekend of it.  I still went because I was encouraged to go, and I just went home because I didn't feel that I needed to take any more resources away from the city than I needed to.  I did not want to boot someone who had lost their home out of the hotel room, and I didn't want to use the fuel to even get into the city.  I feel that if you weren't a resident of the city, you really didn't need to be there.  It was heartbreaking, but there is always next year.  Mom and I had a nice (read overpriced airport meal) dinner, drinks, and retired to our COLD cots in Terminal Two.  Rising early the next morning we traveled home.

Thankful for these kiddos and the wonderful play area my dad built!

The annual Turkey Trot that I organize was a huge success.  We had people as young as three and as "aged" as 94 run or walk, three or six miles.  Thanksgiving was held at my mother-in-law's home and was delicious, picturesque, just perfect.  My mom was there too and we all had a very nice meal.  Despite all of the loss we have endured this year, there is so much to be thankful for.  I am blessed to be married to a wonderful man and father, have two healthy and FUN kids, live near my mom and in-laws, have a great job that I enjoy, see my sister often, and the opportunity to make a difference every day in the world around me.

Someday they will be taller than these tomato plants their daddy grows.  .  .

I really enjoy the holiday season, but even more so when I am "ahead" of the game.  I nearly have all of my shopping done, the house is decorated (minus the tree which will be picked out tomorrow in the woods), the cards are ready to be mailed, and the kids are excited!  I know that it's not even the first of December yet, but I know this season only comes around once a year, and kids are only young for so long.

I'll close with Carter's list for Santa:

1.  Fireman dress-up costume
2. Batman Cave with "guys"
3.  Buzz Lightyear Car

Carter interpreted his brother's list, note the similarities:
1.  Policeman dress-up costume
2.  Batman elevator
3.  Buzz Lightyear Truck

The Simple Life

I know what you're thinking, oh a garbageman, a teacher, two kids, living in the country, growing pumpkins, rocking chairs on the front porch - the simple life right?  I think life has just gotten crazier and crazier since fall has begun.  Every night we are harvesting for tomorrow's customers, invoicing, caring for kids, TRAINING FOR THE NYC MARATHON WITH 40 MILE WEEKS, making meals, lunches, grading papers, or helping my mom with her projects.  Plus we have this little thing called a PUMPKIN PATCH to get ready for.  The pumpkins are beautiful, and we are ready, but there are just so many little simple details, to prepare for a monthlong extravaganza.

In an effort to simplify our budget we recently downsized from a fully-loaded Ford Explorer, to a base-model Honda Civic.  I decided to prep our children by explaining that our new car was a "simple car".  I told them that it had no DVD player, or heated seats, or sunroof, or "sniff-sniff" - backup beepers.  It was simple and FUN I told them.  Honestly, we got the new car because it gets a bad-ass 40MPG.  Anywho, at Eileen's Carter told Kacey and Eileen all about his new simple car.  Kacey asked him why it was simple and he said, "Well, because you can go a really long ways, on a little bit of gas, and that's.  .  . simple".  Honestly, the kids don't miss the DVD player and I haven't hit anything yet, so possibly, it is a simpler concept than I anticipated.

Miles is keeping it simple too.  His database of words has really expanded, but nothing more than two syllables.  He likes to keep a direct line of conversation, and honestly, all he needs are those baby blues and a little grin to get his message across.

Carter has also made our future plans simpler by hand selecting both his and his brother's future brides. It seems that Carter has chosen Macey for himself and Clara for his brother.  That makes life in the long-run simpler right?

Bradley made hunting season simple by shooting a massive 5x5 mountain buck (technically I was told you could hang a ring from a 6th, but he is modest), on the FIRST morning of rifle season.

As for me, I'm just simply tired.  Here are a few pics of our not-so-simple, but simply beautiful life.

Fear Factor - Isbell Style

Where has our summer gone?  I can't believe that school starts in two weeks and that I am starting to go into the classroom tomorrow.  It is all bittersweet!  I love, love, love, staying home with my kiddos and doing EVERYTHING with them, but I also adore my job and am excited for a new class of 4th graders!  Before I started this post I glanced through my summer photo album on my computer.  It has been a FULL summer.  Trip to Portland, race series (with Carter running too), more races, camping, fishing, berry picking, dinners with friends, swim lessons, gymnastics, harvesting produce of our own, running and/or bike riding daily with kids, fair, Farmers' Markets, dinners on the patio, trips to the river, just to name a few.

At this point, you're probably just wanting me to take the blog in the direction of the title.  I have actually never watched this show FEAR FACTOR, but I think I have the jist of it being a TV show where people are asked to do things normally not deemed appropriate.  Two of these incidents take place on our patio where we like to enjoy the majority of our dinners.  For one, Miles is super messy and it makes clean-up much easier, and two mommy and daddy like to enjoy their beverages as the kids run around on the lawn and play.  One evening we had gotten home from the Fort Jones Farmers' Market.  We had attended the market with both kids, and it was very hot.  As payment, Bradley bought the boys some ice cream and as we sat down on the patio and all enjoyed our treats.  Miles decided to go play on one of his Little Tikes cars.  All of the sudden we heard him screaming and witnessed hornets attacking his mouth.  The pictures below don't do him justice, but he had never gotten stung before and he swelled up quite nicely.  I decided to take him to the ER just because he had never been stung before.  I gave him some Benadryl before we left and it turned out he was just fine, but it was scary.  The car ended up in the dumpster, but no worries, there is another one.

About a week later we were enjoying some grilled meat and sticky rice on the patio.  As usual, Miles had a trail of food around him.  I watched him bend down to pick up some sticky rice (we do actually keep a very clean patio) and put it in his mouth.  I suddenly realized that what he had just ingested did not look like sticky rice.  I calmly chased him down, and did the finger swipe (which he adamantly tried to fight), only to swipe out a WHOLE FROG that was still alive.  The little bugger would have eaten the whole thing, had I not used my cat like reflexes to dissuade him.  GROSS!  The worst part is that we don't have a picture of the frog.

Another week later, I challenged my fear of heights to participate in the first annual Mt. Shasta Volcano Mud Run.  This was a 3.2 mile course that climbed over 1,600 feet in about .75 miles with 10 obstacles along the way.  I was extremely nervous at the start because I don't have the best coordination and I really have a fear of heights, but I ended up LOVING the race and placing 2nd woman overall out of about 150 or so women.  ( I honestly think I was first overall and that the 2nd heat timing system was screwy, as do others, but whatever).

I guess the moral of the story is that fear is individualized and defeatable.  Miles had no fear of eating a frog and Carter won't even try to touch one.  I had a fear of heights and conquered it with a competitive tone ringing in my ears.

Here's to the next two weeks of summer, may they continue to give us wonderful family memories.

July. . . Where did it go?

4th of July fun!

Where has the month gone?  4th of July, YMCA races, gymnastics, more swim lessons, Lake Siskiyou,  camping at Trinity, Mt. A 5K, 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy, berry patch picking, and an upcoming trip to Portland.  Plus the regular duties of yardwork, selling produce, keeping up with the weeds in the garden and the pumpkin patch, laundry, and feeding three HUNGRY men.  I guess it has been a busy month.

Enjoying some raspberries at the local berry patch.

Miles talks a lot right now, but seems to eat even more.  The good news is that there doesn't seem to be anything he won't eat, the bad news is that the cost of groceries continues to rise.  He has quite a sense of humor, but is also very stubborn.  We tried camping as a family for one night at Trinity and he did not enjoy being out of his normal crib routine, so he decided to piss off all of the campers in the campground by screaming all night.  Miles doesn't seem to mind watching his brother's various activities during the week.  I think his favorite is swim lessons because he gets to get wet too.

Carter really enjoyed his gymnastics class and has gained a lot more confidence in his second round of swim lessons.  He did the backfloat today totally solo for almost a minute!  He will jump into the water and swim back to the edge unattended, regardless of the depth.  Although I would like to think of him as the next Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps in the presence of the upcoming Olympic Games, I do think   it has a heck of a lot to do with his amazing teacher Ms. Laura.  Another highlight for the month for Carter included running in a mile race with Nene and Miles.  I do a Tuesday night race series and Carter did the mile last year, and decided to do it again this year.  He took a few minutes off of last year's time.  He absolutely loves it!  Carter also loves Nene's jetski!  What fun he had at the lake riding with all of us!

Some of my favorite memories this month are those of the boys displaying their helpful nature.  One morning I told them I had to do the recycling.  I took both of them outside as well as the outside bin and  garage recycling bins.  Thinking I would have to make a few trips up to the barn, I was pleasantly surprised as Carter offered to carry one bin, and Miles took an empty CRV bottle from the other bin and they both headed up to the barn.  Another morning as we were harvesting from the garden, Carter jumped on his John Deere tractor, put some baskets in the back, and started helping me haul strawberries.  Just this last week, Carter was watching his dad unload some gravel by shovel to do some patch work in the driveway and he hurriedly ran away, coming back with his own shoveling and proclaiming, "Daddy, I want to help too!"

The YMCA race series.

In an age when technology and instant gratification, seem to outweigh common sense, it is my hope that I can raise two boys who are able to pursue whatever dreams their hearts desire, who know that their parents support them wholeheartedly.  I also hope to raise children who intrinsically desire to make the world around them a better place, and put service above self.

There's a FIRST time for everything!

Thanks to the Berenstain Bears, I was in the know of a seemingly simple, but genuinely complex principle of life at an early age: There's a first time for everything.  If you really think about this simplistic concept it gathers substance in application.  Just think - there was a FIRST time that someone ate a raisin, a FIRST time someone wrote a letter.  This weekend was a weekend of firsts in the Isbell household.

Those who know me know that I like to keep things clean and organized.  Carter is very similar to me.  He gets agitated when things are not put away and does not like his hands to be sticky.  Miles on the other hand.  .  .  not so much.  While I was frantically trying to finish up some ten-year reunion stuff on the computer before heading to the nearest (read 90 miles away) copy store, I noticed that Miles was super quiet.  Ignoring my inner good-mother telling me to simply turn around, I pushed forward in my task.  As I relished in the completed task I turned to find Miles headfirst in the garbage can, covered in a sticky mess of strawberries, strawberry yogurt, and coffee grounds.  Not only was he covered in them, but it was all in his mouth as well.  For the FIRST time, in my life when encountered by a mess, I did not hit it head on armed with cleaning solutions but instead I began to cry.  Lesson learned - finishing tasks in motherhood, is equivalent to the "haste makes waste" proverb.

Moving on with the day Bradley and I drove the boys up to Medford.  Our goal was to finish up some reunion errands, hit Costco, possibly Target, and find something for me to wear to our ten year reunion.  Those who know me well also know that I don't relish in my sense of fashion, and in fact REFUSE to buy anything retail that is not on sale.  (I do however often make exceptions in the realm of exercise apparel.)  I am not a fashionista - I am exceptionally challenged when it comes to doing my hair, but I can run pretty damn fast, so I tend to focus more on my running shorts.  That being said, I decided to up my game plan for my reunion.  Despite the fact I can still fit in it, I don't think people want to see me in the same outfit I wore to graduation.  Fighting my urge to scour the 70% off racks at Target for a dress, I headed into a boutique shop, lured there by huge SALE signs on the outside of the impressive facade.

Upon entering the store I was immediately intimidated by the very cute and put together sales clerk, who I know was eyeing me up and down and was not seemingly impressed by my clearance GAP chic outfit.  I held my head high and asked for her help in purchasing a dress to wear to our reunion.  She immediately wanted to know the venue, and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her it was on top of City Hall in a town with a population of less than 300 people.  I can't imagine what she should have brought out.  Instead I told her , "um indoors".  Now she thought of me as mentally and fashionally challenged. Regardless, I went forward with my "first" and began to try on dresses in the lavish rooms. After getting help from Bradley and the boys we decided on a nice number that was very flattering, but she suggested I try these things call "spanks" so that I didn't have lines.  SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH IS YOU ARE EASILY EMBARRASSED.  Okay, so I try on a small pair (on top of my underwear), decided to go the next size, take those off, LOVE how I look in the second pair and am now feeling uber confident in my ability to seem fashionably savvy.  I take off the second pair - and suddenly realize that my "AUNT FLO" decided to make a visit while I was wearing these ridiculously expensive underwear.  Now not only did I have to buy BOTH pairs, but I also had to explain to the nosy clerk WHY I needed to buy both.  Too many firsts to list here, but you get the picture.  As I result, I ended up crying the rest of the way around Medford, fueled impart by embarrassment, hormones, and buyer's remorse.

The last first of the weekend occurred today during our family trip to Kangaroo Lake.  Carter caught his first fish!  He was so excited about catching the fish, but didn't want to touch it.  He decided to release it back into the lake.  A few moments later he had another first when he fell face first into the frigid mountain lake.  Fortunately, he had had a week of swim lessons under his belt and Bradley was right there.

Without firsts I guess there wouldn't be lasts.  Because I went into a chic store and surrendered my vulnerability towards high end fashion, I will NEVER try on expensive underwear again.  Because Carter fell into the lake for the first time, I will NEVER let him go fishing without a huge life jacket on until he is at least 19 years of age, no matter how shallow the water.  Total joke there, but some mother might go there, there's a first time for everything.  .  .

Schoooool's OUT FOR Summah!

Can you interpret my signing antics in the title?  I am a bit excited to nestle into home life with my two beautiful (read busy, busy, busy) boys, for the summer.  Although I LOVE my job, anyone who taught 50 weeks out of a year, AND was a mom, AND had a small side business, AND just lost their dad, may have to be institutionalized.

We started off of our summer by planting 2,500 pumpkin plants in the pumpkin patch.  Last year went really well, and we're hoping for another successful season.  As usual, Carter was a super helper and insisted on wearing gloves and kneepads like all of our other helpers.  Instead of taking over nine hours this year, we hired a few people, and had a few more volunteer and narrowed the time down to only four hours.  This year we have 20 varieties of pumpkins, even some pink colored ones!  Last year dad was a HUGE help on planting day and it was hard not to think of him during our horticultural efforts.

The boys and I also have been enjoying the nice play area that dad built for them every day too.  As I look around our home, it's hard not be reminded of his presence very often.  Carter randomly speaks of him every day too.  It always ends with, "But I just don't want my Biyah to go to heaven!".  He often asks questions that make me think (I am not crazy here) that he sees Biyah or he senses more than we do.  Today he asked who the lady is with Biyah in Heaven.  I told him that it's probably dad's mom.  He also told me today out of the blue that dad is holding Baby Paul in Heaven.  It's a hard thing to answer those questions, but it also brings comfort in knowing that Carter won't forget him.

This summer we have our garden to tend to, the Farmers' Markets to sell at, and our local stores who we will stock up with fresh, sustainably grown produce.  We also intend on doing some swim lessons, music lesson, library days, and play dates.  With nothing else left to say, I will end with a few pictures to start off summer!

Rodeos and the flu!

It's been almost a month since dad has passed, but it seems like forever ago.  Some days are harder than others, but not a day goes by that I am not reminded of all of the wonderful things he did for us.  Carter has pictures of the two of them in his room and also sleeps with a blanket covered with pictures of the two of them.  Mom stays busy and we try to include her in everything we are doing.  Going back to work has been great, I mean if you're going to be sad, the best place in the world to cheer you up is an elementary school in spring.

We recently had the annual Scott Valley Pleasure Park Rodeo here in Scott Valley.  Bradley and I never came from real "rodeo going" folk.  My dad always entered the horses in the parade, I think one year I organized an entry of kids when I was a kid, but anywho neither Bradley nor I went to the actual rodeo.  This year broke the mold.  The Thursday before the rodeo Carter was introduced to the idea of riding a sheep from his beloved Eileeny.  I picked him up from her house and he excitedly told me how me was going to the "ro day o" and going to ride a sheep with his cowboy hat and boots.  Like most things Carter gets excited about, I knew that I was doomed.  Over the next few days we tried everything: threats of shots, promises of blood, intimidating and PG - 13 youtube videos of young mutton busters suffering terrible fates.  Nothing phased the kid.  He was DETERMINED.  The day of the "ro day o" Carter enthusiastically tried to convince his twin buddies to join him.  He even skipped breakfast at Bob's to go sign up.

Sadly, being the non- rodeo goers that we are, we missed the cutoff time.  Not to be dream-killers we waited behind the chutes with an undeterred mutton-buster.  Meanwhile, the beginning symptoms of the flu were plaguing our family and my mom had locked herself out of her home being as how it was the first time she had ever slept alone in the house in 29 odd years.  Right before Carter was about to have his debut, Miles decided to leave a huge blowout all over Ne-ne's arm.  Quickly spot-cleaning our unhygenic mess, mom and I headed for the chutes with cameras in tow and a very cranky one year old.

Technically, Carter didn't have a number to mutton bust but we were told that out of the 30 who are usually signed up, at least half back out.  I have a thing against people who run races without registering and I felt that Karma was going to get me if I didn't properly register my young cowboy, but as soon as a chute opened up and Carter was offered a spot, ready or not here he went.  He held onto the sheep until he hit the first bump and then he let go.  Honestly, it was further than a lot of kids made it.  I was just proud of him for wanting to do something new and intimidating, and following through with it.  It didn't matter that neither he nor his parents had any experience, it was something he wanted to do and he followed through.  He even earned a gold dollar for his efforts.  Although I did feel bad about this recognition, seeing as how he wasn't officially registered, but I think we have a future of rodeos ahead of us as he proclaimed when he wiped his tears "Next year I'm going to ride a bull!"

Once the excitement of the rodeo wore off, the flu hit the men in our bunch full throttle.  One afternoon I think I was covered in equal amounts of diarrhea and vomit.  Carter and Miles synchronistically pooped and puked for a solid week.  Knock on wood, I haven't gotten it yet.  I'd like to think Dad has my back.

1st Bday Celebration

The day after dad passed away we had a Hungry Caterpillar B-day party for Miles.  Originally, it was supposed to be a small family gathering, but with everything going on Bradley opted to buy a couple pony kegs of Etna Beer and the party grew.   I honestly agree that the 1st year mark should be a celebration of the parents.  We helped him survive his first 365 days didn't we?

It was a really nice day - almost HOT.  The true joy of the day was watching so many kids play on the play area that dad built for Carter and Miles.  I really felt his presence there that day.  He would have loved seeing the kids play and would've been playing with them.  Miles was holding onto a bunch of balloons that I had tied to his hand, when suddenly the wind picked up and took them away.  At first I was puzzled at how the balloons got loose, but then I realized that BiYah was saying hello.

I am grieving for the loss of a father, an amazing grandfather, supportive father-in-law, and truly grieving watching my own son grieve.  We all knew this was coming but it still rips your heart out when it really sinks in that he is gone.

Our lives and our family structure are forever changed.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we don't have control, but that being said, this is still a rough road.

Today Bradley and I took the boys up to Medford to buy them clothes to wear to dad's "celebration of life".  They will both have black Wranglers, cowboy hats, and nice cowboy pearl-buttoned shirts.  Bradley insisted on these outfits.  It will be a celebration.  A nice service followed by food/drinks, horseshoes and ping-pong - just as dad would have wanted, all in the gazebo he built.

Sadly, I earned another Mother of the Year Award today.  I took Miles to his 1st year check-up and his pediatrician discovered a "very serious" double ear infection.  The kid has to be pretty much ready for ICU before this guy will prescribe antibiotics - and he didn't even question the prescription.  All I can say is that Miles is pretty tough.  Maybe I didn't deserve that beer (or three or four) at his 1st birthday party anyhow.

4/21/12

Dad passed away peacefully this morning at 12:42 am.  Bradley and I were in route and he was surrounded by mom, Ness, and Andrew.  Even though we knew he was going to pass soon, today has still been one of the worst days of my life.  Everywhere I go I am reminded of his willingness to pass his generosity onto others.

We will be having a memorial service at my parents' property on Saturday, April 28th at 4pm.  Following the memorial will be a time of celebration complete with ping-pong, horseshoes, food, beverage, and fun. Just the way he would have wanted it.

You are my sunshine!

Sitting next to dad now. Breathing is very spaced apart. Lots of sunlight and love here today.

Today

Today dad is in and out of conciousness. He is not really talking, but does open his eyes and seems to know we are here. Mom, Ness, Bradley, and I have been with him.

We are surrounding him with love and continuing to look at pictures of him which is wonderful.

Happy Birthday Miles!

Last night dad had a rough night. Mom described his use of the new remote on his hospital bed "like a kid with a new videogame". She was exhausted today. I arrived early so she could go to her exercise class. Dad can only walk a few steps by himself, he can not at all lift his own legs up or down any sort of incline, really anything that is more than a shuffle. It is teamwork to make it to the toilet and back, but amazing that he can still do it. His thoughts are very incoherent and the first answer to every questions is an adamant "NO!".

His hospital bed is very uncomfortable for him, so I went to Yreka and got a 2.5 inch foam mattress topper and a fitted sheet that is meant for that kind of XL twin bed. It took me almost two hours of persuading him to let me put it on for him. Bradley assisted him in a bathroom trip and a change of clothes, while I worked some magic. It seemed to help a little bit, but the true part of the discomfort lies in his inability to remember which buttons to push to move what body part - all magnified by a 60 second delay in thought processing.

I was able to give mom time to take a nap this afternoon. Very reminiscent of her coming over to watch my kids so that I could get a nap in when the boys were both newborns.

Miles had his cake pops with his buddies today and that was a lot of fun. I think Carter was more excited for his birthday than he was. We had dinner and then Carter helped him open a few gifts. It was a perfect 1st year dose of birthday. Hopefully we'll still be able to have our celebration on Sunday.

Vanessa is flying home tonight because we all know that "it is upon us". Love to all of you who keep us in your thoughts and prayers daily.

Circle of Life

Today dad was a significantly weaker and less mobile person than he was yesterday. He is not able to get up, sit down, walk more than two steps, or really maneuver without help. Dad does not have much circulation in his legs and therefore his legs have no feeling. This is compounded by his weakened state. Mentally, he processes things very slow. It took him nearly 60 seconds to ask me to get him some water. He told me this evening that things that take me 30 seconds to mentally process, take him at least five minutes.

All of this being said, hospice came out today and got him to agree to a hospital bed. They weren't going to deliver the bed until Thursday, but I was able to persuade the gentleman that we were really in dire straits and we needed it today - Thursday might be too late. The bed was delivered this afternoon, and it has a "triangle thingy" (words are escaping me) on top. They also gave us a toilet that can stand alone or go over the main toilet and Bradley also installed a bar. Bradley had to pick dad up each time he wanted to really move. In addition to the Percocet, dad also started taking methadone today.

Through all of this deterioration and muffled speech, he still has moments of clarity. I had baked the man some chocolate chip cookies (part of my convincing) and packaged them up on some paper plates with wrap. When the man was leaving he asked dad if he needed anything and dad responded, "Yeah, I want my two plates back when you're done with them." - Dad didn't realize that I had used paper, but he realized that two plates of cookies were leaving his house. Funny, really.

Tomorrow is Miles' 1st birthday. We are just having a low-key day tomorrow with some cake-pops at Eileen's with his friends. I am doing a "Hungry Caterpillar" themed party on Sunday for family and close friends. In keeping with the theme, I made cake pops that look (are supposed to) like the hungry caterpillar. I will post pics of the parties afterwards. In the midst of dad dying, there is still life and celebration all around. As I spent the day helping my dad cope with limited mobility and make him as comfortable as possible, I was blessed to spend the evening decorating cake pops with Carter, (read cleaning up his continuous spillage of sprinkles) and watching Miles play with his brother and dad. I also enjoyed watching Carter pretend to "mine" with our vacuum cleaner attachment. His dad of course couldn't be any prouder - being the miner that he is. Bradley has a multitude of hobbies he enjoys and excels at, but that is another post.

Tomorrow we celebrate Miles' 1st birthday with happiness, and we reflect on dad's life in the same light. The circle of life continues, I am just sad for my boys that my dad won't be there to make a bit more of the journey with them.

- Attached is our trial run "Hungry Caterpillar" - Bradley grows the flats of wheatgrass, so I put the pops in those.

Easter Bunny Visits and Hospice Initiation

Today Miles took his first official steps! Just eight days shy of his 1st birthday! Sadly, I was not there to witness the event - my kids were at Eileen's while I met with hospice, but she is like their second mother so I am blessed that she saw it. At church on Easter Sunday, he held onto the pew, ventured into the aisle and let go - teetering for a moment, but today was the day!

Easter was bittersweet this year. On Friday, I got the boys together with their friends Wyatt and Finn to decorate eggs. I spent awhile getting all of the supplies put together, gathering the eggs, boiling the eggs, only to watch them stay interested for about five minutes. My good friend and I watched the boys frolick in the yard and the play area while we decorated eggs and enjoyed mimosas in the sun. It was so nice to see young boys enjoying the elaborate play area that my dad spent hours creating for Carter and Miles from scratch. It truly warmed my heart to see them enjoying themselves - he would have rejoiced in seeing it.

On Saturday I took the boys up to Ashland to see the Easter Bunny. The whole car ride up was full of speculative questions from Carter concerning various aspects of the bunny. How big was he? Did he talk? What color was he? How did he get there? All decent questions, really from a three year old. Most of them I had to say "I'm not sure". We went to Paddington Station, one of my favorite stores and took a photo with the bunny. Carter was super stoked, but Miles was less than excited. The store is supposed to email the photos later. Carter also got to decorate some Easter cookies and complete a craft. On Sunday we did an egg hunt at the house and then accompanied my mom to church. Bradley stayed with dad. After church we went to my mother-in-law's for a wonderful Easter meal. The house was decorated straight out of Pottery Barn, and the meal was wonderful. It was sad not having my parents there, they were missed by many.

Today the hospice nurse came out and dad signed the papers! He admitted to being uncomfortable. He is taking Percocet right now, but the nurses are brining morphine tomorrow. My mom will make a "slurry" of it and give it to him in liquid form. It will be easier for him to digest that way. Dad was very open with the nurse and accepting of the fact that she wanted him to make choices to make himself more comfortable. He also gets to have more massages with hospice! It is truly a wonderful program. I think my mom feels a huge sense of relief and I know that dad is able to get more rest.

Thank you for continued support, prayers, and positive energy. We all need it right now.

Good News!

Tonight dad agreed to allow hospice to come give care. This is a HUGE hurdle for all of us because dad is still verbally denying that he is dying. A close friend came to see dad today and told him that morphine could really help make him more comfortable, thus allowing him to sleep, and continue to heal. Dad said that he wouldn't object to that and after another conversation with my mom, he agreed to allow hospice to come. My mom called tonight, and will speak with someone tomorrow at 8am and we'll go from there.

I literally went to hell and back twice today to get him some pain medication and am SOOO happy that he is willing to let hospice in and let the palliative care begin. I hope this will bring a lot of weight off of my mom.

It is a bittersweet bit of news, but we are all so grateful. I hope tomorrow goes well. . .

This week. . .

This week started off with dad getting two teeth extracted at the dentist. I know what you're all thinking: What the fu**?? Believe me, we were thinking that too, but despite all of the lying that mom did to convince dad to not go to the dentist, he repeatedly insisted. It took boatloads of strength and determination for him to ride in the car for 1.5 hours, sit in the dentist chair for 2 hours, and then another 1.5 hours in the car. This is all from a man who has not left his home for four weeks. The dentist is a very good dentist, and dad did have two very infected teeth. The good news is that the dentist gave him a VERY strong painkiller and now dad is taking that around the clock, which is allowing him to sleep a lot more. I really don't know how dad made the trip, we could compare it to an 85 year old woman running a marathon after only walking 100 yards.

The ascites in the stomach is causing him to not be able to eat or drink hardly anything because it just wants to come right up. Even a swallow of water can make it seem as if he is going to vomit. His thought processes and talking are very slow, but still "with it", but oftentimes he does seem to be very "off ". He spends the day either in bed, or in his recliner and is not strong enough to push the chair in with his legs. I would estimate his weight to be around 85 pounds. His energy levels are extremely low, but he can still direct. Today he was concerned that Fred his dog was getting tangled in things on the back porch and told me everything that needed to be moved. I spent most of the day doing outside projects for my parents.

Earlier this week my mom and I questioned whether he would make it to Easter. He could go at any time, but he is a stubborn and a strong old bird. I enjoyed visiting with him today and listening to a couple of stories. When he told the stories he closed his eyes, took his time, and described things with a lot of detail. This is off-topic, but it was brought to my attention this week that oftentimes people who are close to death want to have their body "perfect", which would explain his insistence on having his teeth fixed.

Anywho - here are a couple of stories that dad told to me today:

Dad used to lay carpet as an independent contractor in southern CA. One day he and a guy named Steve were finishing up a job. They were in the bedroom and my dad recalls that they had finished but there was oddly one "bump" left in the room. Steve instructed my dad to just take a rubber mallet to the bump. My dad said that he hit the bump about 10-15 times and it went away. Just as it disappeared the woman who owned the house knocked on the door, entered and asked both men, "Have you seen my parakeet?" Dad says that they looked at each other and both replied, "No ma'am". She left the room and they took to tearing up the carpet, like pigs to a trough. They tore up the carpet and luckily it was just a lump of carpet padding. Dad thinks she found the parakeet under a bed in the house.

Another story that dad told me today was one I had never head. Another job he had after the service was one where he worked at an auto body detailing shop. He described his job as one in which he was the middle man between the shop guys and the office staff. The man who owned the shop was actually one of the leaders of the Hare Krishnas in SoCal at the time and dad later found out that he was actually in the witness relocation program. I know - too good to be true right? Anyways, dad says that the drug use in this shop was just crazy and that everyone knew about it except the little old lady who was the "face" of the place, the secretary at the front. In fact, the owner would to go India once a month and bring back a bunch of "smack" to fund the local temple. One day, one of the shop guys brought in a bunch of pot brownies. Dad says that everyone had one, knowing what they were and that somehow the plate ended up in the front office. The lady at the front wanted one and Dad tried to convince her it wasn't a good idea. Anyways, she had the brownie and then about 15 minute later she was in hysterics telling everyone to dial 911 because she thought she was having a heart attack. No one had the "balls" to tell her what was really happening, and dad happened to be the guy elected to do so. Dad says that she got extremely angry with dad and she actually quit the next day.

It was nice to just sit with him and listen to some stories today. Some I had heard before, some I had never heard of, but it was just nice to visit. Yesterday when I was over he just kept telling me I was "amazing" and a "wonder". The day before when we made our trip to the dentist, something I felt in my gut wasn't right, but knew it was what HE WANTED he must have thanked me 20 times for taking him. Life is just so strange and often intangible. I have been blessed to know him for 27 years, but often know that I don't know that much of him. Your parents were someone before you became the center of their lives. They have history and experiences that have shaped them and ultimately you. I have posted these photos as reminders of this revelation. This was a photo of dad, his sister, mom and step dad. The other photo is of he and his sisters.

Love you daddy!

Seize It!

It has been a hell of a week. I have been at work the past two weeks because my long-term sub could not longer fill in. I was so grateful to be back at work because a local high school boy took his own life last week. Being able to be in the classroom to help grieving relatives and students so shaken by this small-town tragedy was amazing. I am back off of work to help my parents starting tomorrow. My dad doesn't really want me around, but I know that I need to be there for my mom. She really is amazing! Between being his care-giver, friend, wife, and a wonderful grandmother - she is holding up really well, all in between the reality that she is losing her best friend. She is remarkably strong, and I admire all she is doing and embracing.

Even though my dad is skin and bones (besides his extremely large stomach region), has difficulty getting in and out of a chair, and in much discomfort, he still likes to let me know everyday that he is "getting better". We all know that this is not true, but we play the charade, because that is what he is doing.

While looking through my computer for pictures of the young man who died, I kept finding myself looking at pictures of dad and thinking he looked "pudgy". This most certainly was never the case, but it just goes to prove how we accept and get used to our current situation. I really am surprised he is still alive. His mind works well, but his body just is not functioning well at all. He only really "eats" liquids, because almost everything he ingests has an immediate impact on his digestive system.

One of his comforts is his hot tub. I think it is soothing because he feels weightless. It has broken a few times, but my amazing husband drove to Oregon last week and worked on it relentlessly until 11pm to get it up and running again. Bradley has also put in a secure gate on the lower property with a keypad, and continues to stock their firewood pile. I made a wonderful choice when I married that man.

Perhaps the saddest part of the week was standing behind a family during the service, and watching a grown woman break away from her boyfriend and grab her father for condolence. Hugging my dad now is nothing like what it used to be. His words may have reassurance, but his physical body does not.

Carter and Miles are doing great and continue to visit dad for short bursts every other day. He can't really take anymore than that. I pray that he goes peacefully, and that my mother can enjoy the time she has left.

If anything "good" can come from this week, it is that we are reminded that life is short, we all make mistakes, but there is salvation. Whether through Christ, forgiveness, or other religious beliefs, the chance to make wrongs right is yours for the taking - don't waste the moment, seize it.

Update

Yesterday dad slept all day and only really ate at dinner. He did not make his usual trip into town, and instead of watching TV and sleeping, he just slept in his bed.

Last night his two uncles came to town. He is usually overjoyed to see these two men, but seems less than interested. Today my boys and I joined my parents, sister, and two great-uncles for breakfast. Dad ate, but did not join the conversation. He was also confused a few times, this is something my mom notices a lot now.

After breakfast, the whole crew stopped back by our house and my dad stayed in the truck. He is very slow, and the ascites continues to be his biggest problem. He prefers to keep my mom by his side and likes it best when the two of them are alone. That being said, he is very easily angered, and lets out all of his frustrations (which are unwarranted) on her.

Last night Miles was covered in his dinner and I decided to bathe him in our sink. Feeling left out, Carter joined the party too. I know some day I will look back on this picture and not believe that they both fit in the sink so I had to document it.

A true blessing this week was all of the food that others prepared for us so that we wouldn't have to worry about meals with all of the family that has come and gone.

Love to you all, we are all strong together and have had our arguments, but we are just trying to enjoy as much time as we can with dad now because we all know that there is not much left.

Carter's 3rd Bday Extravaganza!

March 1st marked the third year anniversary of Carter's birth. Our original plan was to have NO party and instead take a trip to the bay area and catch Toy Story 3 On Ice in Oakland. Because of the situation with my dad, we decided to forgo our trip and instead stay home. That meant that a week before his birthday I suddenly had to plan something for Carter. I decided to do cupcakes at Eileen's with his friends, and his Mema planned to have pizza and cake at her house for family. I put in a quick order to Party City, contact the local bakery, and things were set. My dad's condition then seemed stable enough for us to head down south so we decided at the last minute to make a trip as well. In the end, I think we could have paid for Carter's first semester in college after this extravaganza, but the memories were priceless!

His birthday started with our annual trip to Bob's Ranch House for breakfast. My dad and mom made the trip too. My dad was pretty distant during breakfast but did hold Miles for a little bit. After breakfast Carter went to Eileen's, and we had cupcakes with all of his friends there. Bradley came for the celebration and Carter was so cute introducing his daddy to all of his friends. He was a proud little boy. After cupcakes we did a "string" pinata with the kids and then I took my own two home for a nap.

After nap, we proceeded to Mema's house for party number two. His 10 year old cousin came home from school early to help decorate the house and put up a banner. Carter showed up to the party in his new super-hero costume and quickly engaged in play with his Isbell and Lang cousins. My parents didn't know if they would make it to the party that night, but my dad rallied strength and came. He sat most of the time, but seemed to enjoy watching the kids play. Carter got a new kitchen from all of his relatives and he enjoys making things very much.

Our trip to the bay area was really great. We got a great deal at the Hilton, which was also conveniently one block from Chinatown. The first morning we all had Swedish pancakes at Sears, and Bradley and I had great Bloody Marys. After Sears we walked to the trolley station and took the cable car back up to the hotel. Both boys LOVED riding on the cable car. After the short excursion we were all pooped and took a short nap before driving to Oakland. Our first sign that this was going to be expensive was the $25 price we paid to park our car at the Oracle Arena. The show was pretty incredible, truly Broadway on Ice, we also had tickets only two rows up. Miles was using his sign language to sign "all done" from the beginning of the 2nd act on, but we managed to make it out of there without too many dirty looks from our neighbors. Carter loved the show but couldn't wait to get back to the "tower" we stayed in.

We took a cab down to Pier 39 to eat some dinner. Carter has a pretty serious shellfish allergy so we were skeptical about eating, but decided on a big building that claimed to have been in business since 1916. Sadly, I don't think the establishment will make it's 100th anniversary. We sat for 30 minutes with both kids before someone even came and talked to us. Carter had to go to the bathroom and while inside of the commode we stumbled upon a woman who was either dead or just drugged, half naked on the toilet. I quickly hurried Carter out and we promptly left. We "yelped" our next location, found it had four stars, and we all ate for less than the price of one entree at the other halfway house, I mean restaurant.

After dinner we walked down the pier and I was just amazed at how open Carter was to all people. It didn't matter if they were homeless, black, white, brown, he replied to all of their comments on his balloon hat or dance moves, (he tried to join some Michael Jackson impersonators) with sincere appreciation and an unbiased view. Both boys truly absorbed the sights, smells, and other senses of the city. The next morning we enjoyed some time at Golden Gate Park with a good friend before leaving over the Golden Gate Bridge. (That is a whole other blogpost alone).

It was great to get away as a family, even if I think we could possibly qualify for financial assistance after spending a weekend in the city. It was really expensive, but memories do seem to be priceless.

To update on my dad. . . He continues to swell more and more, but he insists or blames the "bloating" as he calls it on whatever he has eaten. He is in full denial that he is terminal, and continues to fight. His swelling is very significant and is causing him to be quite uncomfortable at night. In general, he is very "slow". Slow moving, slow talking, slow thinking. He is also quite difficult to be around at times because he is very easily agitated. His sister and her family are coming to town this week and we will see how things go.

Time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too.